Mental Anguish

As I'm starting this, to purge some mental pain, I'm already aware that it's going to cost me in physical pain. But I'll take that trade.

Last night, when I was trying to get to sleep, for some reason I found myself dwelling on lost friends.  Three friends, in particular, would not leave my mind.  I have not spoken to any of them for about a year and a half.  I'm not even sure why I never posted about them before now.

These people all joined my guild, in DDO on Cannith server, somewhere around 2 years ago.  I only ever knew them by their first/nick names; Lexi, Tex and Wes.  We all just started talking and adventuring together.  We had SO much fun and so much in common.

As a matter of fact they all had similar levels of damaged/broken as myself.  We were able to openly chat about what had befallen us, without fear of judgement.  I even talked to some of them IRL.  It was really amazing to have friends who really understood, because they were dealing with similar issues.

...

Then one day, they all just vanished.  Tex's whole account disappeared from ALL servers.  And Lexi and Wes just stopped showing up in game.  I tried desperately to reach Lexi IRL, to no avail.  I even maintained an Orion Post message, to one of her characters, for months. 
[For those who don't know, OP messages bounce back to the sender after 3 weeks if not read.]

...

Ever since and even now, I mourn these people.  I mourn as if they are dead, without ANY confirmation of it.  That lack of certainty makes it even harder to let go and move on.  I think of them often.  I only wish I could believe that I'd ever hear from them again.

Just in case any of you are still out there and you happen to see this post, please log back in.  I'm sorry to say all long-absent characters had to be removed from the guild.  But you can message any member of Welcomeing Darkness and ask the name of the Guild Leader.  Message him and he will be able to relay your message to me.  And please know that I miss you more than I can express.

...

UPDATE Oct. 2020:  The Guild name no longer has the extra e in it.

Notes on Medical Issues

Just now I was getting my pills ready, before breakfast. Suddenly I had a rather sharp burning sensation. It ran along the same muscle/tendon that has been giving me trouble, in my right forearm, for years now.

The pain has already eased back to normal (status quo). But that was quite unpleasant when it was going on.
This definitely qualifies as a new symptoms.

Follow Ups and Continuing Treatment

My internet is back up now. So I may be able to post more regularly. As it happens, I'm writing at least part of this at the hospital. I have a follow up with my surgeon today.

All my wounds are completely closed now. I still haven't finished shedding all the dead skin, which means I'm quite itchy in a number of places, but at least I know I'm healing. I still have most of the neuropathy, that I had after surgery, though some of it is slowly shrinking

The worst things that are going on now are 3 fold. 1) It would seem that a nerve or two has come too near the surface of my skin, as a result of all the treatment. 2) I have a lot of nerve regeneration pain, that occurs multiple times a day, at random. 3) And I have lymphedema in my left breast, which is causing significant swelling (inside the areola), unless I'm wearing a bra. Even with a bra, there is still some swelling where the bra doesn't provide support.

Day 2. Being as it is that I forgot to post the above yesterday, I'm just going to continue from here. 

I had an appointment, just now, with a new doctor. He seems to think it would be a wise decision to remove the IVC filters (both of them), that I've had since 2012. The doctors, at the hospital where they were installed, never discussed this with me at all, except to say they would be permanent, if they could not be removed within a fairly short period of time. And that time passed years ago. So I had long since grudgingly accepted them as a permanent addition to my body. 

Anyway, apparently both have parts poking out of the vena cava wall. And one of them is penetrating into my aorta.

So, as you might imagine, this new information comes as quite a shock to me. And it's more than a little frightening. I'm currently thinking that there is a threat either way. Removal or no removal, something could go horribly wrong.

Oh yeah, and removal involves a tool-wielding scope, inserted down one of my primary arteries, FROM MY NECK.  OMG  OMG  OMG!

Day 3 of this post. It's Saturday now.

I've basically been just too good at avoidance, my dominant form of defense mechanism, today. Aside from a little art, and a lot of  Netflix, I haven't completed (or even started) anything I should have done. It took a lot just to pull my head out of the sand long enough to "finish" this.  So now I'm going to just stop here and post this.

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Post-recovery Catching Up

As I may have mentioned, the last two weeks of my radiation treatment were extremely painful. I was, for the most part, unable to do anything other than feed myself and do some stuff on my computer. I mostly just "focused" on keeping distracted from my pain. Even wound care, though necessary, was very difficult and painful.
 
Now that I'm making progress in my recovery, I can finally think about organizing my thoughts, regarding those last two weeks.
 
I don't know if my doctors were trying to shield me, or if they were just too squeamish themselves. In any case, there were some things they didn't warn me about.
What I was told is that there would be burning. It was likened to a sunburn across my chest (possibly even a bad sunburn). To be fair, by the end of my treatment, there was what appeared to be a serious first-degree sunburn across my chest, which was accompanied by a LOT of heat.
They did not, however, mention that there could be wounds opening up, especially in the damp areas under my arms and breasts. And it would have been nice if I could have been braced for the serum leakage in those open areas. As those symptoms occurred, my treatment team and my doctor all said that it doesn't happen to everyone. "Radiation affects everyone differently." Although I did warn them that I have extremely delicate skin.

The actual "burn" symptoms started with my incision sights opening up (first the right, then the left under arm incisions). Contrary to what I was warned about, I got wounds opening up pretty much exclusively in the contact point under my arms and beasts. Not actually bleeding but certainly leaking serum. At least I can say that, although the serum dried to look like puss, it did not smell bad, so there was never any infection.
Towards the end of my radiation treatment, large areas of affected skin begin to turn a sickly shade of gray and eventually peeled. Also, some of those peeled areas turned into further wounds. For that matter, I am actually still peeling in places.
Unlike normal skin, after a sunburn, the skin that was peeling was kind of gooey. At first, this took me by surprise but I did eventually get used to that being status quo.
As new areas opened up, each began to leak serum. And toward the end of treatment, at least one large area was leaking serum with some blood cells, making it a kind of watery red.
There have also been areas, particularly around the edges of where the skin has peeled, that are even still painful to the touch. Everything is now improving though.

The Healing Process;
On the last day of radiation treatment, when I was in too much pain to even wear clothes that make contact with my under-arm areas, my treatment team assured me that it would get better soon.
By that time, I was generously slathering my wounds with the prescribed Silvadene cream and covering them with a single layer of gauze, to keep the cream in place. The gauze was very difficult to keep in place, especially if I had to commit any movement. And never mind the trouble I had dealing with wound care under both arms.
Eventually, having projected my bed with a towel, I eventually gave up the need for the gauze. This did seem to speed my recovery, at least a little bit.
 
I would like to offer a simple product recommendation, that helped in my recovery. I'd add a link, if I could.
Parent's Choice unscented wipes worked the best, for me, for wound care cleaning.
 
UPDATE
The previously mentioned post-surgical neuropathy, while still present, seems to be reducing.
I had previously been under the impression that my recent complete lack of sex drive was just a side effect of being post menopausal. To my surprise though, I've recently been having some return. The doctors tell me that I'm not really ready for "aggressive activities" yet. And I'm thinking that Tamoxifen may also affect my sex drive. But at least now, there is some hope I might, some day, enjoy some semblance of a sex life again. [For the record, I'm not taking new applications.]
 

 
In the event that anyone would like to show their appreciation, or assist me, please go to one of my previous post, that has the link at the bottom.

Internet Down Again

Posted from my tablet.

I'm posting from the hospital today, since I haven't had Internet at home for a few days now.  I'm getting a "bone density scan" today.

Apologies for not posting, during the last 2 weeks of radiation therapy.
I am healing pretty well now, but it was really kicking my butt those last couple of weeks. A lot of pain. And I was having difficulty focusing on anything at all.

I have no idea how long my internet will be down.
I will post a notification, as soon as its back up.

New ... UN-expected ... Symptomts

I started this post about 2 weeks ago, and then my treatment started really kicking my rear. So I decided to finally go ahead and post it. Not sure when I'll be up to posting again. At least I'm almost done with my radiation treatments.
 
{Originally started about 4/7/2018}
The first time it happened, I didn't realize it would be an on-going effect.

WARNING:  TMI Ahead

On Contemplating Uber ...

... As a possible source of income ... and freedom.

I think it's important to mention that, while I used to be a cab driver, I haven't actually had a source of income, other than Food Stamps, in significantly more than 3 years.
With some exceptions, I really did enjoy driving. And I frequently miss it. Not to mention the freedom I enjoyed, as a professional driver.

Well, things have been getting tighter lately. Not that they weren't tight before. But now it's getting extremely difficult to even manage to get my OTC meds. and ... well ...much of anything that I need, besides food.

Anyway, for a while now I've been thinking about going back to driving. Because of my treatment schedule, I make use of a lot of transportation services. I generally like to pass the time by chatting with the driver. Consequently, I've heard some really unfortunate things, about the current state of the cab business here, since Uber and Lyft came to town. The cost to the driver going up, just for instance. And the obvious decrease in customer base, and income potential, over all. And some of my drivers know people who drive for Uber, or even do so themselves, in their off hours.

All this got me started thinking. Even though I miss driving a cab, I don't think I really want to go back to it, under the current circumstances. But there are ... options.

It occurred to me that, just maybe I could find a way to drive for Uber. Avoid the inherent threat of driving around with a lot of cash-on-hand, as cabbies frequently wind up doing. Never mind the anonymity of picking up random strangers on any old street corner. The subliminal knowledge that, even if you have all the pertinent contact and location data, you still have no idea who you may be dealing with (Ok, that last one is probably not different for the "rideshare" drivers.). Anyway you get the idea.

Side Note:  Especially as a woman, it is always a good idea to keep security in mind. Use those instincts! I have learned, through hard experience, that if I fail to listen to "my gut", I will invariably "get my butt kicked". Never literally, so far, but I'm not taking chances!

So anyway ... Uber ... ... ... ?

I have a little time, before I'm free to pursue it properly, because of my rigorous treatment schedule. So I decided to do a little research. To The Google!

Did a quick search; "uber driver vehicle requirements"

Found this page; Driver requirements - uber.com‎, which mostly just served to make me more curious.
This helped some; Uber Car Requirements For 2018 | Rideshareapps.com, while still leaving some important questions unanswered. Like the best options for getting a viable car (since I'm currently without one) for one. And finally I stumbled on this;  Uber Car for Drivers | Should You Buy, Rent, Or Lease An Uber Car?, which may actually be enough to get me started, when I'm finally free to do so.
For balance, here's a dissenting opinion;  The 7 Reasons Why I STOPPED Driving for Uber & Lyft. And there are some interesting comments as well.

Obviously there are other things to think about:

1. I need to get my license back. It just expired.
2. I need to find out what insurance I need and get it.
3. Are there other services that can work concurrently? Lift, courier services?
4. AND, most importantly, I need to consult with the people who are most important in my life, to figure out if this is even feasible.

I'm not certain that there is any other option, for me. I've wracked my brain, on many occasions. I've prayed ... cried, even begged for options. This IS what I know how to do. It's the best thing I'm qualified for. And at least most of the time, it doesn't cause me more pain.

At this point, all I really want is to be able to support [even part] of my own life. All of it would be so much better. I owe so much to so many. It would be amazing to be able to reduce the load on those who have been forced to take care of me for too long.

Comments are welcome. And if you'd like to offer support, or if you appreciate the provided information, please use the following link:

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