I'm feeling very much like I'm missing something! Like there's some Great Secret ™, or maybe many of them, that just make life a breeze. And I can't seem to figure out any of them. Every time I feel like I'm starting to figure something out, I get handed something horrible, like a CANCER diagnosis. But that's just the latest one.
I was up too late last night, blowing off steam in DDO. So when I went to bed, I set my alarm for 10:00 a.m. instead of 8:00 a.m. I managed to sleep fairly well, if somewhat restlessly. I'm still dealing with some pain, but it's mostly manageable with OTC pain med's. Anyway, I woke up feeling about as well as could be expected, given my current circumstances.
Then I turned on my cell phone.
I had a message from my disability lawyer.
The simple news that I need to file a new application (compounded by the unexpected medical bills; one from my surgeon, that I just got yesterday, and another that I got a few days ago) sent me down a deep spiral, only part of which is covered in the first paragraph of this post.
[SIDE NOTE: This is today's post. I had company all day yesterday. So I didn't really have time to make a post. For me, it takes hours. And anyway, the only thing of note for yesterday is that I had a recurrence of pain under my right arm. It was bad enough that I had difficulty using my right arm too lift things, to reach up for things and so on.]
Right now, in this moment, I am extremely overwhelmed, deeply depressed ... and I don't even really know how to quantify or qualify my mental state beyond that.
I started my current disability applications over 3 years ago now. And since then, I've been trying to do everything possible (certainly everything I've been told I need to do, both medically and legally) to try to get my case to go forward. I have so much pain. I'm in pain, from multiple sources, most every day. I can't think of much of anything that I can do for a job. And yet they won't give me a favorable result for disability. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong or what's missing. And I'm about at my wits end, trying to deal with it.
Perhaps not the only, but certainly the biggest and most consistent, bright spot in my life is my precious (fur) baby girl. Salome (pictured in a previous post) is my constant companion. She comes to me, usually without even being called, when she senses I'm upset. If it wasn't for her presence, there are days that I don't think I'd be able to stand upright and feed myself.
Today has been one of those days.
It took me two hours, after getting that message, before I could even get up and go get my coffee. Had Salome not been here to comfort me, I might not have even bothered to eat at all, or even take my pills.
It took me two hours, after getting that message, before I could even get up and go get my coffee. Had Salome not been here to comfort me, I might not have even bothered to eat at all, or even take my pills.
I've been counting on the money, that I anticipated getting for the over-3-years of waiting on disability. And now that's just gone. I'm starting over again. And I may wind up with no better results! I desperately want to ask for help. But I don't have any clue who to ask or where to start. I don't handle these things very well on my own. And even that hurts to admit. Right now, with everything going on, I'm feeling devastated and lost. I have no idea where to turn. No concept of who could help me turn things around.
It has occurred to me to note that, while this may all seem unrelated to my cancer recovery, it actually is all part and parcel. I found out about my cancer diagnosis quite literally moments before finding out that I had been declined again for disability.
And "the hits just keep on coming! "
One of the hardest things I have to deal with, on a daily basis, is that there are never enough resources for me. And I'm offering no blame to anyone for that. It's just unfortunate circumstances. None-the-less, I'm always waiting on pretty much everything that makes my life more bearable. My technology is old, out of date and getting more and more unreliable. Yet I must rely on it to do my art and play my game. I can "make due" with what I have, for most of my needs. However, there are just things that what I have cannot do. It's very frustrating to have the art in my head and not be able to get it out.
Frequently I consider selling some of my unused possessions to try to make enough money to upgrade. Unfortunately so many of things that I would sell are small. And I hate the idea of risking wasting money, that I don't have, to try to sell them for not nearly enough to make a difference. The last item I posted sold for less than the shipping.
I wish I knew someone,who knows more about this than I do. Someone who could help me distinguish between what to donate and what could possibly be worth enough to try and sell.
I know eBay has service personnel, who can sell things for you. But unfortunately my stuff is not worth enough to make that an option. And I just don't have money to pay anyone.
And here I am again ... lost and confused. Pretty sure, at this point, I'm rambling. So I'll close this now and hopefully be able to get something done.
Words of encouragement and helpful suggestions are welcome. And if you'd like to help, please use the following link:
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